Mom, You Can’t Love Me Like This!

When all you really love is just another drink!

Sometimes I wonder if I’m alone with this empty feeling. It’s so hard to process that the woman who rocked you, fed you, clothed you, and gave birth to you doesn’t love you.

In actuality, she only loved the thought of you, not the being that has grown and spread her wings, flown, and created her own nest. You want to know why she will never really love you? I ask myself daily. That’s right, because that drink in her hand is the only love she will ever miss, even when you are gone.

That bottle, that liquid that caresses all of her nightmares and stresses. That bottle of beer that coats her belly so well that she couldn’t dream of a better gift. Yes, that thing that alters her mind so she won’t have to think and instead just floats.

That bottle and the many that come afterward are the ONE thing standing between the love I so desperately needed from my mom. Yes, you stole her love from me. You even stole the love from within her.

Why does every conversation have to end in yelling and degrading me? One moment, I’m a stupid, selfish girl that you did everything for, and I should be so grateful. This comes with the enabling I refuse to bend to. With every no, I won’t buy you another 8-pack or the next bottle you want to empty off the shelf. No, I won’t sit back while you continue to hurt yourself.

Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash

Then there’s the moment of guilt when I give in. When I just want to be her friend, her daughter once again. We go on reminiscing, singing old songs, watching movies like we used to when I was a kid. I just got you the case of beer you needed so badly. The happiness I feel is abundant because I never knew we would have this again.

You’re smiling and telling me how wonderful a daughter I am. How intelligent I am, how proud of me you are that I’m a great mother and wife. I’m smiling ear to ear as I listen to the words I so desperately crave until…

My smile falters…. I hit reality and realize! Your words are slurring. I look at the empty bottles that are no longer there. And I understand now it will never be real. You will never really love me. You will never really mean those things. Those words come with stipulations and manipulations that I can’t compete with.

This isn’t what I wanted. This isn’t what I crave. I can’t continue to enable you just because I love you. I can’t continue to feel guilty when I see you need more to keep the pain away. Just because I want you to love me back, it’s not worth the tears I spill, the pain I feel, heartbroken I am still.

I think I get it now. There isn’t a conversation that can ever be had that will make you choose me over the beer. I get it now. You will never love me because you love that drink more, I fear.

Until Next Time, Readers. Just A Snippet Of My Heart. XOXO